uhh.. hmm

Sometimes you ask for things...
and then when it appears you've gotten them
you have no idea what to do with them

Seasons, times and blurrs

Apparently i'm spastic.. if you notice my blog
just a side note

So somehow life has gotten crazy hectic. In a completely amazing incredible way.
It's like we went from doing NOTHING to have nights like tonight where I fed no less than
11 people... after I invited 3 over
but I wouldn't change it for anything
All that time be taken away from friends and places has led me to a place
where I appreciate people more
It's like I want to grasp on to people and learn all that I can from you
while you're still here
because in the life we live, especially my friends,
you never know what next month will bring
they move where the spirit tells them to
whether that's houses or countries
and it's amazing

I love being surrounded by people that are so reliant upon God
their next meal must come from Him
that don't worry about not having rent money a week out
because God always provides in time
they go where He goes and He takes care of them

It's funny
because the group of friends I have are so completely random
none of us have anything in common
except that we love the Lord
and do what He says
our backgrounds, hobbies, interests and personalities are scattered
we all think each other is crazy
but the simple fact that we love God more than anything binds us together
I love them so much, it's funny

It's been little more than 4 months since I moved to KC
but it feels like a lifetime
an amazingly great lifetime
but things are changing
I feel that shift in my again
like something's coming
i'm on the edge of a cliff again
I dont think it will involve me moving again
I love this place
but whatever it is
I think it changes things
for the past month I've been feeling this feeling
it's like i'm at the top of a hill on a roller coaster
and yanno how they always stop for a just a moment
before you plummet to the bottom of the hill
I feel like i'm in that moment
waiting on the drop
it's scary
but soooo fun
you know it's worth it
but you still get nervous while you wait
but i have no idea what's beyond this hill
no idea what i'm about to crash into
just....something

and as I feel this I have friends that draw me prophetic drawing that say i'm in a new season
i'm so ready for a new season
I trust the Lord knows my hearts
and loves me too much to hurt me
I feel prepared
mostly
whatever that means
I feel almost giddy at what's coming
although I haven't a clue what it is
I feel like He's been preparing my structure
my root system
my veins
the part of me that receives life from Him
for what's coming

August
why that seems sooo important I dont' know
but it does
so i'll wait
for the rollercoaster to move again
and August to come
and keep drinking life from Him
all the while drunk on His love
because He's soo sooo good to me

Snow, Kids and Lessons learned

I figured I should write something,
so here goes nothing... (which doesn't really make any sense...but)

So apparently KC decided to try to break records and have blizzards now that I live here
I've never seen so much snow at one time, in my entire life
I'm from Tennessee, we stay at home when it snows
we DO NOT go to work, or school, or to the store
and as much as I dread more snow coming this week,
I have to admit
.....
I love watching it fall
there's a wonder to it
seeing how clean it is
how unique every flake is
and how everything gets so silent while snow falls
it's like the Lord uses it to slow us down
to take some extra time with us
to catch us up in the wonder of who He is and what He did for us

It's impossible for me to see snow and not think of it in comparison to my sin
It's that white
it looks like the freshly fallen snow
that's been undisturbed by life
it sparkles with cleanness

and even though it gives me a headache to drive in it
the squirrels in my backyard love it
they jump and play
they hide down in it
the squirrels go nuts (hahaha) when it snows
we sit and watch them play
and while they play i'm reminded that
the joy those squirrels have with snow
is the joy God wants us to have with what He has done to our sin
He wants us to run, jump and play in it's purity
and although that may not make any sense to anyone but me
it encourages me
and makes me sit in awe of God while it snows

in other news...
I only have 2 kids in my class at work
2 little girls that only act up when they're sleepy
and I get bored
ALOT
but I know the Lord gave me the job
so I know He will use it to teach me
and today as I was sitting in the rocking chair
holding one of them that woke up from nap early
and then fell back asleep in my arms
He reminded me that Jesus just loves to hold us
It's quite possible that there's no more peaceful moment
than when you're holding a sleeping child,
snuggled up in your arms
In that moment,
that child trusts you with everything
they're willing to sleep while your arms are around them
When we allow ourselves to be held in His arms
and allow ourselves to be at perfect peace there
and rest
We show how much we love Him
and how much we trust Him
and He loves it
as much as we love to be held
and to allow His strong arms to wrap around us
He loves it more
He loves to see our face
To see that we are at perfect peace with Him
To know we trust Him with everything

It's an act I didn't really understand the value of until recently
when nothing else soothes you
Run to His arms
and let your Abba hold you
and sing over you
"and the things of earth will grow strangely dim..."

today was that day

Some days you just need to crawl into Daddy God's lap and stay there for a while.
Today was that day

Epi Pens and trust

Today I had to go to an orientation at a new job.
Part of the orientation taught me how to use an Epi Pen.
The fact that there are needles involved make me shake
(regardless of the fact that it was a practice pen and no needles were involved)
add in the fact that I recently learned my friend, whom I blogged about a couple months ago,
died of an asthma attack that could have been brought on by an allergic reaction
and I was shaking
and on the verge of tears

I sat there, alone
watching this video on how to use them
and as I held the pen in my hand
all I could think about was how this pen could have saved Sadie's life
one tiny pen
one shot
and I would be able to call Sadie right now
to hear her voice again
to see her smile
but she didn't have pen
because she didn't know she had any allergies
or asthma for that matter
no one did

and as I sat there
i starting getting upset
I started wondering why God wouldn't let her live
He's stronger than an epi pen
He created her
He knew how to save her
and as I sat there mentally struggling and crying to God
He quietly and peacefully spoke
in that voice only God has
the one that calms the storms
He told me that His purposes and His plans are bigger than me
or Sadie
Sadie's life had a purpose
He had a plan for her and it was a good plan
He's not a mean God that wants us to go through pain
but He does want us to know Him
and love Him

as I sat there staring at this life saving device
He reminded me of the lives Sadie helped save
Her sister who drags herself to church now
She's figuring out her way to Him
She knows that Sadie had something she doesn't
and She know what it is

Sadie loves that
I know she does
because she knows that her God is big enough to draw Savanna in
and romance her until she loves Him as much as Sadie does

So as I continued to sit there and stare at this pen
I had to say thank you to God
I had to remind myself of His love
and how this is bigger than me
or Sadie
and although I dont fully understand the picture
I trust Him
because He's so so trustworthy

..you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going...

I live in Kansas City now. That's new and exciting.
As well as completely random and not something I had previously planned on.

But I guess that's why I'm not the planner.
As I began to think about this move, and what it means to my life,
it caused me to think about just that....
My life...

I can remember hearing stories of missionaries when I was little
and even having a great aunt that had an orphanage, in essence, in Columbia.
I always told God that I wanted to be just like that
Please let me go
I begged
and responded to every single missionary alter call there was
and in my head, by the age I am now
I was long gone
on some mission field
in another country
with a plethora of children
of varying colors

I didn't intend on going to real college
I didn't intend on transferring colleges 3 times and still not having a degree
I didn't plan on realizing that God loved me
everything about me
I didn't plan on ever hearing about IHOP
or The Ramp
or losing my heart to numerous 1 year olds

I never intended on being the one light to an autistic little girl
or teaching her how to pray in tongues
albeit incidentally
or crying because I don't get to see her everyday

I never intended on being the best friend of someone that won beauty pageants
or being a voice that shows her that God still heals
and removes brain tumors
because He loves

or living in the midwest
the east...maybe
Missouri....uh no

and yet, I find myself here
sitting in my house in Kansas City
2 minutes from a 24/7 prayer room
where any moment of the day people are loving on Jesus

this isn't part of my plan
but it's part of His
and He's proved time and time again He's faithful and trustworthy
so I trust Him
I mean, who doesn't trust a guy who gives you 2 job offers in a week in this economy?!?....

Sometime I sit and think about my life
and how flighty is seems
and every time I start to question it's randomness
I'm reminded of Jesus
in John 3
where He's chatting with Nicodemus and in the middle of talking about being
born again he throws in this:

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

if there ever was a verse to sum my life up...
this is it

it's getting increasingly hard to explain to friends and relatives
why I don't finish college
or stay in one place
or get a "real" job
the only words I have are

"it's what the Lord told me to do"
and through all the awkwardness of explaining that to man
I'll stand and say that proudly on the day I stand before an Almighty God

because in the end
all He wants is for me to love Him enough to obey His every word

and in the end
that's all I want too

You bring restoration

Some weeks get to you
some days start one way, and take a drastic turn for the worse
some weeks take everything in you to simply make it through
and make no sense at all
this has been that week

I'll never again get to say "see you Monday" to a friend
She'll never make us Sweet tea at work again
She won't argue with us about the best way to make cinnamon toast again
and she'll never drag her pillow and bright pink blanket into my classroom to take her own nap during the kids naptime,
because she "freakin tired".

And nobody knows why

She's just simply not anymore
I think dealing with the death of a friend would be easier if I atleast knew how she died
Instead we're left with the fact that a 20 year old just died.
and so many unanswered questions

I know that she's with Jesus
that she's gazing upon His face
she's with the one she loved
She's with the one who loves her

It's still doesn't seem real
even walking by her casket it seemed like a horrible dream
one that i'll wake up from eventually
but I haven't yet
it's been a week and I still haven't woke up
I still haven't fell asleep without tears on my pillow
and I still haven't forgotten the God loves me and her more than I can imagine

Although my head screams "WHY!"
I know in my heart that there's a purpose
a plan
far beyond my understanding
and although that doesn't help the pain
it gives me hope
that Sadie's life was no in vain
nor was her death

I know that in time this mourning will turn into dancing
and my sadness will turn into joy

but until then
I'm taking hold of the One who does those things and taking life day by day
and praying that her family will come to know the One that Sadie lived her life for
and that I will live the rest of mine for