non that my life has ever made sense
but now
it's really getting crazy
but this one thing I know
Jesus loves me and wants the best for me

Love still believes
when you don't....

sometimes
i just want to scream
now is one of those times

money....and healing

because of aforementioned reasons
i figured I should find out exactly what the total of my student loans is
and..... i almost had a heart attack
seriously

and then i start to question what the heck I was thinking going to college in the first place
now
I dont doubt that God called me to go
I know He did
but
at the same time
i'm not altogether sure my degree will be well used
i mean, you don't really need a degree to teach in the backwoods of some foreign country
or to stay at home with your own kids
(....although they are working on that....)
(...being able to teach them atleast...)
so i have to question my thought process in all of this debt growing
and i have to trust that He is not telling me to do something stupid and waste my time
particularly with my going to Liberty, and racking up 7,000 a semester
this gets me.....even though I miss the heck out of that place


and then
(because Holy Spirit is amazing)
I realize that
23 THOUSAND dollars (and that's not all......i told you I almost had a heart attack)
of the debt came from Liberty
anyways
all the money
was spent on me, forming a relationship with Heather
someone that I believe will be my friend for many many years
we are totally different
completely the opposite
she loves pink and heels and makeup and diamonds and all things princess
I prefer to be in pajamas or jeans with hardly any makeup and nothing princess
why me and Heather became friends is simply God
normally I stay far far away from the likes of her
but, we became inseparable
and still i dont get it
but....
she's why I went to Liberty
or one of the biggest parts
( I think)
because Heather has a sister
(well actually 3 but, anyways)
this sister, Megan
started getting headaches
so they had to take her to the doctor
and do a catscan (or something like that)
she had a tumor
on her brain
she was 14
they were going to have to do surgery
so heather asked me to pray
and so I told my family to pray
and I prayed
knowing God was able to heal
wondering if He would
then my dad called me
we were eating at Macados
and the waiter was trying to convince heather to sing with him at some wedding
(she tends to attract strange people like that)
and my wanted me to tell heather something
but it was way too loud for me to relay the message
so i just handed her the phone
and he told heather that if SHE prayed over her sister, aloud
then God would heal Megan
so Heather, being desperate, and knowing how I lived
knew that she had to do it
so Heather called Megan
prayed
and two days later Megan went to the doctor for the pre-surgery stuff
and when they took the brain-scan-thingys
the tumor
it was gone

just not there

gone

so, i say all that
because that ridiculous amount of money
was used
getting me to be friends with Heather
who prayed over Megan
who doesn't have a brain tumor
or a scar from some surgery

and in the end,
i'd work my whole life paying that debt off knowing that Megan knows how much God loves her
and Heather knows that God works.....and heals....and speaks

no amount of money can be too much for that

so maybe this debt isn't so ridiculous after all

Life, as of late

Blogging is apparently an epic fail for me, but so are most things that involve thought and time this summer, so i'm finding.

For the first time in 20 years I find myself home alone with my parents for more than a few hours span, weird is a word that comes to mind
frightening is another

Both sisters have gone to California for three weeks-ish,
actually a month but whatever
and that leaves me here.
Last year at this time I you had have told me that events that this summer was going to hold, I would have thought you were nuts,
but here we are with
2 engagements,
a wedding,
3 weeks of teen camp for the baby,
multiple 40 hour work weeks
a mini-vacation
and 2 sisters off the Cali
(the last three being within a month of each other)
under my belt
Geesh

Talk about a year of change, my best friend went from single to engaged and married in 6 months.
We should still be making up N'SYNC videos, not getting married

and yet
I feel it isn't over yet

you know that feeling from Holy Spirit that tells you just to hang on, there's more,
dont get settled in just yet

so I haven't unpacked my suitcase (although I dont think that's what He's talking about- it is a handy excuse)

When I left for Liberty in 07 I never did feel like i'd be walking down the isle (the one on the football field) to receive my diploma there, I kinda knew it was for a season

coming to UTM last year I just figured i'd be stuck there until I graduated then I could leave
but that's the problem, I figured

now, with two more years left here, I'm getting that uneasy feeling
maybe I love change too much
maybe I can't be content
maybe I just love adventures
maybe I just get lonely
maybe I just HOPE i'm not here until 2012
maybe

but having vocalized my prayer,
my spirit starts fluttering
it takes in a deep breath
it stretches it's limbs
it gets ready
maybe it's just because i'm willing to trust enough to put my plans on hold again
maybe

but as I sit and listen to Julie Meyer sing about her alabaster box,
one thought comes to my mind
college, education, loans

things i've been determined to finish quickly
things i've said i'd finish before I did anything "significant"
things i've always wanted to do
things I know i'll do eventually

one of the things i've learned in the past year is that I can't take His plan farther than it goes
I can't decide that since He sent me to Argentina that id simply stay there
or that i'd graduate from Liberty and live in Virginia
or that i'd finish school at Martin
just take His immediate direction

one step at a time
and when He speaks I take the next one

and feel like He might be clearing his throat to say something
something that changes things
something that makes me break an alabaster box
something that may hurt
and cost me dearly

and He's prepared me for it
He's drawn me to Him
i've fallen more in love with Him than ever
I've seen Him
I've felt Him
He loves me
and whatever He speaks,
I'll do
even if I makes no sense to me
because He's worth it
He loves me

so I sit here,
I sit here and wait
for an answer i'm not altogether sure I want
but an answer I know I need
one that show's me another step in His unfailing plan
one that leads me more into love with Him

because after all, that's the point
that I love Him

This summer, instead of taking the usual break from school stuff,
I decided to work my tail off apparently.
So in the midst of my Children's Literature Class (which I absolutely love) we get on the subject of bullying in schools. Relevant topic to a class of future teachers and a good discussion until my Professor pops out with "my faith in human nature was restored". It's not like I haven't heard people say this before, but this time it caught my attention. My professor goes to church, she know the Bible, yet somewhere along the way she came to the conclusion that human nature is basically good. That people do want to do good things, everyone's heart is good.
My question would be, how, as a person who believes in the Bible think that man has a good nature, when scripture clearly says that man is born sinful.
The more "education" I receive from institutes of "higher learning" the more I seem the realize what a great hold satan has on the education system. Sometimes I feel like the whole goal of schooling is to get you to realize that you have no right to judge and that people are good and will find their way to heaven or utopia, or paradise, whichever. Sometime I even feel like I should back down on what I believe because according to my professors, it is a harsh cold belief.
But then....
then I read God's word. Paul, how amazing is he, states it clearly- believe and live for God or go to Hell. I think that, if nothing else, college has given me more audacity to believe what I know to be true. The more I see the plot of satan to water down everything, the more concentrated on the truth of the gospel I want to be.
This watering down of the gospel has been a great plan, because people can feel like they are living for God, but not offending anyone who doesn't believe in God at the same time.
Until now, its been a genius plan.
Until now,
I believe that satan is about and currently is encountering a generation that does not settle for the watered down version of things. It's all or nothing. I think that people in my generation see through the ploys and tricks. And they want no part of it. They will either go full force or none at all.
And although I sit under professors that teach tolerance, I feel like the students see through it.
They know that it's one way of another.
So while this tool from satan has worked before........ I believe he's going to have to get creative again

Here we go,
attempt numero dos
blogging begins again