Saturday, January 30, 2010

and yet, as I decide to blog again, I find that I have no time to blog at all...
ohh the irony

Saturday, January 16, 2010

It's my gift...

Someone a long time ago told me that they loved my writing, that I should do it more.... the Lord's been reminding me of that here goes a little soul baring

Ever since I was little I have always wanted to be in the midst of things. doing something, helping out, feeling needed and important. If no one misses you when you are gone, then you simply aren't important. Or so I thought...

For the past two years the Lord has been trying to show me different by taking me out of "important roles" and into the crowd where I fall in with everyone else.

But me, being the stubborn person I am, fought my way back into roles I deemed important, fighting, crawling and pushing my way into leadership positions he never really wanted me to have.

But He, being Almighty God, let me have my way, He's such a gentleman.

And those roles, it turns out they left me burnt out, miserable and on the verge of depression. And that burnt out, miserable, depressed Katie wasn't very fun to be around. Add in a couple of churches and "christians" that cut deep and I equaled one unhappy mean person.

I found myself losing friends, and that hurt more than anything.

When He sent me back home from Liberty, the one place I loved and had found a second home, I thought it was punishment, I came kicking and screaming, promising I would do nothing that remotely involved "ministry" and I was certainly not going to enjoy being here, I was going to hate every moment of it.

I promised

And in one moment, He changed my heart.

I still get chills and start tearing up at the thought that He wanted to speak to me so loudly that He sent no one, but two people to speak what He'd been saying all along to my spirit, audibly to me.

That He loves me, He just wants the best for me, He just wants to be near me.

And being near Him was what had been put on the back burner while I was busy "ministering". I had been busy doing what I thought was important, busy ignoring Him, but saying I was doing His work, and He loved me too much for me to continue to do that.

He brought me here because I'm stubborn and I didn't listen to Him there, but here, He knows I listen here, because there's no roommate to talk to unto you fall asleep, and there's no friends sitting outside your window to occupy your every moment, and there's no Bible class to make you feel like you "studied" today, there's me and Him.

And when I listened, when I sat and heard what He had to say about me, it changed my whole thought process.

This is not my punishment, this is my gift.

This is my time to push through the water with Him by my side and no one else to distract me. This is where I have the opportunity I may never get again.....

This is it.....
And for once in my life, I'm giddy with joy thinking about trudging through the water with Him