today was that day

Some days you just need to crawl into Daddy God's lap and stay there for a while.
Today was that day

Epi Pens and trust

Today I had to go to an orientation at a new job.
Part of the orientation taught me how to use an Epi Pen.
The fact that there are needles involved make me shake
(regardless of the fact that it was a practice pen and no needles were involved)
add in the fact that I recently learned my friend, whom I blogged about a couple months ago,
died of an asthma attack that could have been brought on by an allergic reaction
and I was shaking
and on the verge of tears

I sat there, alone
watching this video on how to use them
and as I held the pen in my hand
all I could think about was how this pen could have saved Sadie's life
one tiny pen
one shot
and I would be able to call Sadie right now
to hear her voice again
to see her smile
but she didn't have pen
because she didn't know she had any allergies
or asthma for that matter
no one did

and as I sat there
i starting getting upset
I started wondering why God wouldn't let her live
He's stronger than an epi pen
He created her
He knew how to save her
and as I sat there mentally struggling and crying to God
He quietly and peacefully spoke
in that voice only God has
the one that calms the storms
He told me that His purposes and His plans are bigger than me
or Sadie
Sadie's life had a purpose
He had a plan for her and it was a good plan
He's not a mean God that wants us to go through pain
but He does want us to know Him
and love Him

as I sat there staring at this life saving device
He reminded me of the lives Sadie helped save
Her sister who drags herself to church now
She's figuring out her way to Him
She knows that Sadie had something she doesn't
and She know what it is

Sadie loves that
I know she does
because she knows that her God is big enough to draw Savanna in
and romance her until she loves Him as much as Sadie does

So as I continued to sit there and stare at this pen
I had to say thank you to God
I had to remind myself of His love
and how this is bigger than me
or Sadie
and although I dont fully understand the picture
I trust Him
because He's so so trustworthy

..you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going...

I live in Kansas City now. That's new and exciting.
As well as completely random and not something I had previously planned on.

But I guess that's why I'm not the planner.
As I began to think about this move, and what it means to my life,
it caused me to think about just that....
My life...

I can remember hearing stories of missionaries when I was little
and even having a great aunt that had an orphanage, in essence, in Columbia.
I always told God that I wanted to be just like that
Please let me go
I begged
and responded to every single missionary alter call there was
and in my head, by the age I am now
I was long gone
on some mission field
in another country
with a plethora of children
of varying colors

I didn't intend on going to real college
I didn't intend on transferring colleges 3 times and still not having a degree
I didn't plan on realizing that God loved me
everything about me
I didn't plan on ever hearing about IHOP
or The Ramp
or losing my heart to numerous 1 year olds

I never intended on being the one light to an autistic little girl
or teaching her how to pray in tongues
albeit incidentally
or crying because I don't get to see her everyday

I never intended on being the best friend of someone that won beauty pageants
or being a voice that shows her that God still heals
and removes brain tumors
because He loves

or living in the midwest
the east...maybe
Missouri....uh no

and yet, I find myself here
sitting in my house in Kansas City
2 minutes from a 24/7 prayer room
where any moment of the day people are loving on Jesus

this isn't part of my plan
but it's part of His
and He's proved time and time again He's faithful and trustworthy
so I trust Him
I mean, who doesn't trust a guy who gives you 2 job offers in a week in this economy?!?....

Sometime I sit and think about my life
and how flighty is seems
and every time I start to question it's randomness
I'm reminded of Jesus
in John 3
where He's chatting with Nicodemus and in the middle of talking about being
born again he throws in this:

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

if there ever was a verse to sum my life up...
this is it

it's getting increasingly hard to explain to friends and relatives
why I don't finish college
or stay in one place
or get a "real" job
the only words I have are

"it's what the Lord told me to do"
and through all the awkwardness of explaining that to man
I'll stand and say that proudly on the day I stand before an Almighty God

because in the end
all He wants is for me to love Him enough to obey His every word

and in the end
that's all I want too